Simon has feelings

Simon has feelings...yes he does. Every year in November shortly before Thanksgiving comes the birthday of a girl I knew 25 years ago. The memories fade as those kind of years go by, yet one never forgets the one true love in your life.

Just a classic example of falling helplessly in love with someone and they not feeling the same way about you. It happens to all of us. For some it just hits a bit harder. Though strung along and teased for two years, I was crushed when it was crystal clear that she would never belong to me forever.

Much maturity has thankfully arrived during the last 25 years. (With some exceptions like blogging fetish erotica) But I admit that every year on her birthday that I have my own private pity party in my head.

My feelings will never change. I know that. Even though we have not spoken in more than 20 years, I know she knows I still love her. Lately my thoughts drift at times to her and the husband that she presumably is still with. I see the look in my forty something Mrs. Kade. Knowing that I spend a lot of time out of the house. Knowing that I am afforded so many opportunities to be with women half her age. Her wondering if I am really at the gym. If I am really at a business meeting. I don't cheat on her...but her insecurities will always think I will.

So I think of that girl I loved. No...the girl I will always love. I think of her husband leaving on a business trip and her wondering if he is with someone else. I wonder if she ever thinks of me when she is feeling that way. Knowing that she once had a man in her life that never would have made her feel like he was in another's arms.

I don't thirst for revenge or payback after all these years, but I do enjoy poetic irony. She broke my heart and I moved away from my hometown. But one thing she can never have is the feeling that whatever other man she happens to be with loves her as much as I do. That the kind of complete love I showed her will always be missing from her man. He might have more money, nicer cars, better looks....but just a little bit will still be missing from what she once experienced. Now forty something and her looks fading she can think about that when her husband is late coming home from work.

She may never have loved me. But I know she thinks about me when she is alone. I don't think it's really an ego malfunction on my part. I just know. So go ahead my lovely ghost. Call my parents. Con them into giving you my cell phone number. You did it once twenty years ago. I'm sure you could pull it off again. But I would only confirm to you what we already know. You cannot have what you want and I cannot have what I want. I'll fantasize of all the women I could be with and you can fantasize of all the women your man may be with. After all these years....such a morbid detente we live.